When the Pain of Abandonment Surfaces Later in Life
I felt compelled to write this because, like you, I searched for answers and found nothing. If someone had shared this with me, it would’ve made my journey so much easier.
If you’re here, it means you’re ready to go deep, and I won’t sugarcoat it—this isn’t light reading. But if you stick with me, it could change your life.
The Hidden Cycle of Self-Abandonment
I first realised I was abandoning myself when I’d say I wanted to do something but couldn’t bring myself to follow through. The frustration and overwhelm consumed me, and it kept me stuck for years. My nervous system would freeze up. I couldn’t move forward in life—I couldn’t get anything done.
The shame spirals were the worst. They made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, that I was useless, worthless, and had nothing to contribute.
What I didn’t know at the time was this: A part of me was keeping me safe by shielding me from the pain of self-abandonment.The pain was too big for me to process back then, so my body shut it down to protect me. My nervous system wasn’t ready to handle it.
Why You Feel Stuck
Instead of feeling that pain, I’d get angry. I’d want to move forward, but I didn’t have the tools to process the shame, grief, and heartbreak lurking underneath. Your ego is like a guardian—it keeps you stuck in surface-level emotions to shield you from deeper wounds. This is sabotage, yes, but it’s also survival.
Here’s how the cycle works:
You can’t feel the pain of self-abandonment.
You try to move forward but don’t keep your word to yourself.
You numb yourself to the pain of breaking promises to yourself.
You abandon your wants and needs again without realising it.
Then you get frustrated, trapped between the life you want and the life you’re stuck in. It’s the cycle of safety—your body protecting you from feelings it doesn’t think you’re ready to handle.
You Are Not to Blame
Let me be clear: None of this is your fault. If this is where you’re at right now, it’s okay. You’re not broken. You’re not weak. You’re human.
The way out of this cycle isn’t willpower or forcing yourself to "just do it." It’s through self-acceptance, compassion, and kindness. You have to meet yourself where you are and stop rushing the process.
Every time you rush ahead, you abandon yourself again, numbing yourself even more. The way forward is slower than you think but more powerful than you realise.
So pause. Take a breath. Let yourself be exactly where you are right now. Trust that this is part of the process, and there’s nothing wrong with you.
The First Layer of Unravelling Self-Abandonment
For me, the breakthrough came unexpectedly. I was missing my boyfriend at the time. I felt anxiety bubbling up and, instead of turning to chocolate as I usually did, I decided to sit with it.
As I sat, the feeling shifted. Beneath the anxiety, I felt longing—a deep ache of missing someone. Then, a memory surfaced: me as a little girl, missing my dad.
I remembered the day I came home from school and found out he was gone. He had moved out. My mum told me matter-of-factly, and I was left to deal with the shock and pain alone. As a child, that abandonment was too much for me to process. My body shut it off, suppressing the memory and the emotions along with it.
Why Childhood Pain Stays Trapped
Painful childhood experiences like this don’t just disappear. They stay trapped in your body until you feel safe enough to process them. That’s why the pain of abandonment often surfaces later in life, triggered by something seemingly unrelated—like missing a partner.
Healing means meeting those wounded parts of yourself and giving them the love, support, and care they never received. It’s not easy, but it’s transformative.
The Journey Back to Yourself
Once I started to heal, I realised how many layers there were to this process. Each time I met another abandoned part of myself, I had to show up with compassion and patience. Over time, I became my own best friend.
I began to see my value—not tied to anyone else’s approval, but as something intrinsic. And the more I valued myself, the more I naturally kept my word to myself. Breaking promises to myself became too painful to bear, and tolerating mistreatment from others felt completely out of alignment.
A New Way Forward
When you heal, you don’t just stop abandoning yourself—you start building a life that reflects your worth. You begin to attract people and opportunities that honour who you are. And those who can’t meet you there? They naturally fall away, and it doesn’t hurt the same way anymore.
What You Can Do Today
If you’re feeling stuck in the cycle of self-abandonment, here’s where to start:
Pause and Breathe: Stop running from the pain. Sit with it, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Acknowledge Your Worth: Remind yourself that your value is not tied to what you do or how others treat you.
Take Small Steps: Healing isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about showing up for yourself, little by little, every day.
You Are Not Alone
If this resonates with you, know this: You’re not alone. I’ve been there, and I know how lonely and painful it can feel. But I also know this—you can heal.
So imagine me reaching out my hand to you, saying, “I’ve got you.” Let’s do this together.
If you’d prefer to listen to this as a podcast or need more support, reach out to me at support@dellarosemurphy.com. I’d love to hear from you.
Closing Thought
Healing from abandonment isn’t easy, but it’s the most important work you’ll ever do. When you stop abandoning yourself, you come home to the person you’ve always been—the one who is worthy, valuable, and whole.
Take your time. You’ve got this. And remember, you’re never alone in this journey.
